Loneliness During This Thanksgiving Season
Thanksgiving is considered the beginning of the holiday season. It is a time to connect with family and loved ones, eat delicious foods, and enjoy making memories. For many, Thanksgiving leads to what Andy Williams considered “The Most Wonderful Time of the Year”. This may be a fact for many, but for some this time of year may lead to just the opposite.
While many are focusing on celebrating, it is important not to forget those who have and will have a tough time getting through this holiday season. During this Covid Pandemic over 5 million people have lost their lives and many more due to other causes. Their family members are still adjusting to their loved ones not being with them and this holiday season will not make it any easier.
In this post Teacher Care Now Foundation Inc. wants to support teachers who are experiencing any social, emotional, or mental setbacks during this time by discussing the topic of loneliness. When I looked at the definition of the word loneliness, it did not capture the entire audience that this post was written for.
According to Webster’s Dictionary loneliness has two definitions. The first definition is sadness because one has no friends or company. The second definition is the quality of being unfrequented and remote; isolation. I believe that these definitions are incomplete. You can be around a crowd of people and still feel lonely. When I think about the word loneliness, I think of not having a feeling of belonging, not feeling accepted, and not feeling loved. These are 3 basic psychological needs. If you are experiencing any of these sentiments it can cause you to feel lonely.
Loneliness is a Natural Feeling
Feeling lonely is a natural feeling. Everyone feels lonely at some time in our lives. This is our body’s mental way of telling us that it has a need that is not being met. This is why the loss of a parent, family member, or close friend can affect us all differently. These were relationships that we had developed. They helped to fill a psychological need in our lives. When that relationship changed, it may have caused a void that did not exist until after their passing. No one can replace that loved one in your life, but we can ease that feeling of loneliness.
When your family or loved ones try to cheer you up by taking your mind off of the lonely feeling you may be experiencing, they are not trying to replace anyone in your life. They are just trying to make you feel better. That is what someone who cares about you would do. It can be hard seeing a loved one experience loneliness or pain because of a loss. If they are trying their best to make you feel better, be encouraged. This is a sign that you do have someone in your life who cares about your well-being.
There are also those who are not necessarily lonely during this time of year as a result of a loss, however they are in need of membership in a group where they belong, are accepted and loved. It is great if you can find all of these in one group, but if you cannot, do not hesitate to find it in other groups.
We assume that everyone can get these basic physiological needs filled within their family, but that is not always possible. Family is where you should be able to get those psychological needs met, but if it is not for you once you recognize that, it is easier to do something about it.
There was a time that I did not feel a sense of belonging in my own family. Based on science, I belonged in this group. However, that was not enough to meet all of my needs. I was able to get my social and emotional needs met by surrounding myself with people from the groups in my life. At that time, I did not realize how important those groups were to me, but have increased my understanding of my needs by paying more attention to my body and also through studying. The more I learn about the major effect that the people in my life have on the quality of my life, the more I am selfish with who I spend my time with.
When we act on the need to surround ourselves with people who increase our feelings of belonging, acceptance, and love, it increases the chemicals serotonin and dopamine to our brains. Serotonin helps to stabilize your moods and increases feelings of happiness and calmness. Dopamine is responsible for pleasure, satisfaction, and motivation. Our need for socialization is very important to our overall health and wellness, and cannot be ignored.
When our need for socialization is ignored and we stay in the feelings of loneliness for too long, it can decrease the serotonin and dopamine that our brain receives. Instead of increasing feelings of happiness, calmness, pleasure, and motivation, feelings of sadness, stress, pain, and disinterest increase. Experiencing these feelings more than two weeks can lead to depression. It is normal to want to sleep or not be bothered with anyone for a day or two, but be careful not to extend these activities any longer. Depression is an easy mental health condition to fall into, but it takes work to decrease these feelings.
Support for Extended Loneliness
If you or anyone that you know are experiencing depression contact the National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) at 800-950-NAMI or text “NAMI” to 74171 for 24/7 anonymous, free crisis counseling. Or you can contact The Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA) at 800-487-4889 for free 24/7, 365-days a year support. A list of all our mental and physical support resources can be found at www.tcnfi.org on the resource tab of our website.
Dogs are Man’s Best Friend
Pets can provide us with the same social and emotional wellness that humans can. There was a study conducted by researchers from Miami and Saint Louis University that concluded that when it comes to our basic psychological needs, we can benefit from our pets the same way we do if we were getting those needs met by people. This is just one more reason why dogs can be man’s best friend. Some teachers do not care to be around a lot of people or they are not interested in being a part of a group. A pet can help you meet some of your needs and make you feel that the world revolves around you in the process!
Loneliness While Around Others
Loneliness can be a confusing feeling especially when you are surrounded by people many hours of the day. Teachers work in buildings surrounded by children and adults 5 days a week, and yet many experience loneliness. I understand, I have experienced these feelings at work as well. This may be a result of not feeling a sense of belonging on your job, not feeling that your voice or opinion matters, feeling that you are ignored/unseen, or that you are just an employee. Teachers can grapple with these feelings especially when we are responsible for caring for many parents’ most valuable assets. Some may go as far as to say their sun, reason for living, being, or getting out of the bed each morning.
In schools, many have heard the motto Students First, but when many of the caregivers for these students are left feeling unsupported, depleted, hopeless, lonely, or unvalued it is hard to put students first when many teachers feel that they are last. The teachers’ well-being affects the students’ quality of learning every day. Teacher health and wellness must be a regular consideration when considering what is best for students. Teacher Care Now Foundation Inc. is working so that it is.
However, we cannot wait until the educational system address teacher care as a well to improve student outcomes. We are empowered to do that. Teachers must remember that our work cannot be our life and our job is not responsible for providing everything that we need to be healthy and well. It would be great if they acknowledged it, but until they do, we must recognize any voids that we may have in our lives and fill them.
Don’t Forget our Children
Many teachers are also parents. I believe that parenting is the toughest and most rewarding job there is! As we are addressing loneliness, we must make sure that we provide love, belonging, and acceptance to our children. They may be too young to articulate what they need or how they feel. As their parents, it is our responsibility to give them love unconditionally. They will never do everything we tell them or behave the exact way we would like. We did not behave this way for our parents. We are individuals and we have to remember that when it comes to our children. No matter what they do or how they behave, they are our children and deserve our love.
As parents, our children should feel a sense of belonging from us. They belong in our family. They should feel secure and that everything is going to be alright as a result of our presents. I rarely visit my parents in my hometown, but when I do, no matter how old I am, I will squeeze in between them, close my eyes, and relax. This is a place of comfort and belonging for me. At that moment, it does not matter that I forgot to call them a week late for their anniversary or that I did not take my shoes off before walking into the living room. I know that I am loved and that I belong. We want our children to have those same feelings.
My parents were both raised in the deep south. They were raised during a time when children were seen and not heard. They will always believe that their decisions are what’s best for me. There may be some needs that I cannot get from them and I am okay with that. I understand that they will always look at me as their “baby”. My dad can call me by his pet name for me any time and I will always answer. If anyone else does it, they will get a firm stare. So my need to be accepted as a professional and business woman gets met from other relationships in my life.
I also try to provide the needs for love acceptance, and belonging for my children. They may not know how to get those needs met so as their mother, that is my responsibility. It is neglectful of me to think that since I did not get everything I needed from my parents, my children will be fine without them. When you know better, you do better. When our children do not get their needs for love, acceptance, and belonging met at home, they will get them met in other places. We should not leave it all to change because we were so busy taking care of other people’s children.
Even though gangs may promote illegal or violent activities, the youth that find themselves in gangs feel the sense of love, acceptance, and belonging from the group. They want to feel secure and protected and these groups provided that for them when their families couldn’t or chose not to. Repairing a relationship that has gone down this road will not be done by excommunicating them from the family. Many parents do this thinking about only their feelings. However, the way to repair a relationship is by providing love, acceptance, and belonging at a greater level than what the young person feels from the other group. Teachers save your families first before trying to save anyone else.
Understanding this process with our families will help with creating a more welcoming environment for our students. Do not try to provide these 3 physiological needs from the ground up. When you try to provide a need at work first, you are out of order and can cause more physiological needs within yourself and at home. Teachers must prioritize their lives! Start with your personal wellness, then the wellness of your family, then your students. This is why when teachers are at their best their health and wellness, families, students, and our society all benefit. You must put the mask on yourself first!
Remember, feeling lonely is a natural feeling. Everyone feels lonely at some time in our lives. This is our body’s mental way of telling us that it has a need for love, belonging, and acceptance. One of them may not be met and we are empowered to meet them all.
To support you, here are 5 Tips to Help you with Loneliness During this Thanksgiving Season and Beyond.
- To improve your social and emotional health, make an inventory of the relationships you have that satisfy your feelings for belonging, acceptance, and love. Do you have people in your life that you connect with regularly (at least once a week) that satisfy these areas? If not, seek out groups to fulfill these needs in your life.
- Volunteer with an organization that can help you satisfy one or more of these needs. According to recent studies, 35% of volunteers do so to socialize with others in the community. If you are interested, we would love for you to volunteer here with us at TCNfi.Sign up here for more information.
- Reconnect with your family and loved ones. Vow to call a family member every week. If you don’t have anything to say, put their birthdays’ on your calendar and call them just to say you were thinking about them. Doing this will start to lead to other conversations such as how are you, how are the kids, how is work going, etc. It may not happen immediately, but eventually the favor will be returned.
- Get involved with groups around your interest. Church, fraternities, sororities, or other groups can be just what you need to satisfy those 4 psychological needs. Being present in the groups may not be enough action for most. It will be important that you get involved. Some groups that may require less commitment may be traveling, mommy night outs, or socializing groups. These groups often get together to talk and connect over good food or games. A great place to start searching is in your social media and www.meetup.com
- Consider getting a pet. I do not advocate making your pet responsible for all of the needs mentioned, but they can help. If you live in a location that does not allow cats or dogs, or if this is your first pet, I would consider getting a smaller pet such as fishes, a hamster, or another small option. You can also consider volunteering at a local animal shelter or checking your area to identify any cat cafes or other animal surroundings.
Again if you or a loved is is experiencing long periods of loneliness that are lasting for more than two weeks and if negatively affecting the quality of your life contact the National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) at 800-950-NAMI or text “NAMI” to 74171 for 24/7 anonymous, free crisis counseling. Or you can contact The Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA) at 800-487-4889 for free 24/7, 365-days a year support. A list of all our mental and physical support resources can be found at www.tcnfi.org on the resource tab of our website.
Teacher Care Now Foundation Inc. is interested in creating groups to support the social, emotional, and mental needs of teachers. Share with us below the types of groups you would be interested in us starting.
